The Last Time
by winchestergosp
Summary: Dean struggles with the loss of everything he held so dear.


_I felt for sure last night_

_That once we said goodbye_

_No one else will know these lonely dreams_

_No one else will know that part of me_

Darkened trees whipped past fast as the Impala roared down the empty street. The beautiful stars hung in the night sky provided no comfort to Dean Winchester as he drove without purpose, alone in the darkness. On a typical day Dean had a Classic Rock song blasting through his car's stereo, but tonight he favored the quite. He much favored the stillness for a while now. The one thing he didn't like about silence was that it was much louder than actual sound could be. The silence provided him time to think, to regret his life's decisions. Driving along the dimly lit highway Dean drifted to the gloomy place inside of him, the place of all the things that hurt him deepest.

Three loud clacks flowed throughout the huge house and rang in Haley's ears. The gorgeous blonde woman sighed as she set down the papers from the high school where she worked and made her way towards the entrance of her house. Her heart stopped when her eyes recognized the beauty of the man standing before her. His soul crushing emerald eyes, full lips, bulky arms, bowlegs, and buffed chest. Every feature of his unique and striking – he was a very attractive man. But what drew Haley in most was his heart. One heart he claimed to be damaged, perhaps it was, but as damaged as it was it was also stronger than ever, more then he realized. Haley knew how strong Dean's heart was and his heart, damaged or not, was what she fell for. The sound of his exhale snapped her back into reality. Haley's eyes adjusted and gradually found his – eyes she was sure could see into her soul and find every crack in her. "Dean…" She managed to choke out. Surprise and joy were both mutually evident in her voice.

A smile pushed Dean's lips up into a curve with the sound of the woman he loved saying his name. Haley was the only woman he could bring himself to love. He put up a million barriers and kept every woman out since his mother's death – it was a promise he made to himself, to not love any woman other than his mother, Mary. Haley was the only woman stubborn and strong-hearted enough to break through these concrete walls and touch Dean's heart in a way he never thought possible. That's one of the things that hit Dean the hardest – how deeply she could care and love. "Heya, Hales." Dean's gruff voice was riddled with emotion, emotion that sent Haley's nerves on edge and chills running down her spine.

"What-what's going on, what's wrong?" Haley quickly asked. She knew all too well that her long-lost husband wouldn't have come back to her if something weren't deeply wrong – if he weren't planning on doing something stupid. He had been different – darker, since that day in Stull Cemetery. Dean fell into a dangerous place inside of himself after that day. It was so dangerous that Dean no longer trusted himself with his wife or son, Jamie. He packed up and left. That day six months ago still haunts Haley every day.

Dean cleared his throat. "Listen, ugh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. For dragging you into my train-wreck life, for all of the crap I've given you, put on you and Jamie. I just, ugh…I wanted to thank you. Thank you for putting up with me, for always being so patient, and making me feel like I belong somewhere for once. For loving Sammy as much as I do, and for giving the kid some hope for a better life, and introducing him to Brooke…For giving me a son, and for giving our lives meaning. " Dean's heart poured out his sincere gratitude for all Haley has done for him since their meeting. He rarely ever thanked anyone; it was almost as rare as him expressing his true feelings.

His words caressed Haley's soul and brought it out of the shadows it resided. A smile couldn't help but stretch on her face with his wonderful, endearing confession of love for her. But the smile didn't last long, it snapped away like a lightning bolt when she saw something in Dean's eyes, something she never saw before. It was nothing. Haley saw nothing at all in his eyes; nothing but her own reflection. "Dean, why are you saying this to me, what happened?" The thick concern had her eyes shifting in every direction, looking all over him, searing his soul, trying to understand why he was saying these things.

"I have no illusions, not anymore. I know the life that I live, and whatever, I'm okay with that. But I finally got my priorities in check. You and Jamie mean the world to me, and I'd never do anything to hurt the two of you; which is why I'm not coming back." Dean confessed the one thing that could completely tear Haley into pieces.

"What are you talking about?" The impact of Dean's words caused Haley's voice to shrink. She was truly crushed.

"This life here, my life there, it's too much, Hales. I can't separate it anymore. I wake up every damn night with nightmares, these horrible things, feelings that any moment something bad can happen to you and Jamie, I just can't put you in danger anymore." Dean shook his head vigorously.

"Dean-"Haley started up again, but before she could put his doubts of their safety to rest Dean's voice overshadowed hers.

"I've finally learned my lesson. I've lost everything. My mom, my dad, friends, even Sammy…" The last name, Sammy, HIS Sammy was the hardest to digest. It wasn't that he didn't care for his mother and father, and his friends, but Sam, his baby brother would always be the one he cared for the most. Sam was completely opposite from Dean but yet he was every part that made up Dean. Sammy was Dean's heart and soul to the end, and since his death he hasn't been able to get right. "I can't lose you and Jamie too…I won't. I refuse to."

There was something final in Dean's words. It wasn't so much he was closing the door on their relationship, their little family, as it was he was closing a door on himself. Haley knew him too well, knew how badly his brother's death damaged Dean. Sam's death took every ounce Dean had left. She knew since then Dean was capable of doing anything to silence the heartache.

"Dean, wait!" Haley grabbed hold of Dean's arm and pulled him back when she saw he was gearing to turn and leave. "You can't just randomly come back after months of silence and then just drop this bombshell on me and close the curtains, okay? That's not fair! I knew what I signed on for with you, you don't get to pick and chose when I'm out, that's my decision! Those beautiful people that have been lost on the way meant everything to me too, you're not the only one who lost them so quit acting like it! Stop using their deaths as an excuse for an out! I'm here. Jamie's here. You're here. We're all here, now. Don't do this…please…" Haley pleaded with Dean as tears pooled in her eyes. She could feel the finality of Dean. She felt with everything in her that he just didn't want to fight this war known as life any longer. He couldn't bear to do it without his brother. Sam was the only one that could make him stay on this horrible planet. And Sam was gone. Though he loved his son and wife dearly he didn't know how to live without his soul, his Sammy. There was no life, no world, and no love without Sam. Sam was the one thing that made Dean's world turn.

"I'm sorry, but I can't...I can't..." Dean began shaking his head even more as he felt the emotion from Haley seeping through his cracks and hitting him where it hurt most: in his heart. Though his choices where mainly because of his brother, Dean also felt he was doing Haley and Jamie a favor – like he was protecting them. His life was one long trail of bodies of the people he loved, that was his existence. It was time for that road to come to an end while there were still lives left to protect.

"Dean, just...talk to me, please." Haley cried. Warm tears overflowed from her eyelids and trickled freely down her golden cheeks with sorrow racing through her veins.

"I can't." Dean repeated himself. He had nothing left to offer to anyone, that he knew without a doubt. There was nothing left to repair because there was nothing left at all. Sam was everything, he was him, and without Sam you couldn't fix Dean. A single tear fell from Dean's eye and streamed down his cheek as he leaned in to Haley and placed a needy, affectionate, but final kiss upon her cheek.

Haley felt that door slamming on her heart. "I'm sorry, Hales. Forgive me…" Dean whispered with his emotionally drained voice as he turned and left her there to wallow in her grief. He didn't turn around once, not a single glance. The sight of her pained face made him want to die then and there, but it was something he was not going to let her innocent eyes witness.

_I'm still driving away_

_And I'm sorry every day_

_I won't always love these selfish things_

_I won't always live..._

_Not stopping..._

As Dean finally reached a set of red lights he stopped his beloved Impala. His hands rested on the steering wheel, baled into fists. Driving this car made him feel guilty. Sam and Dean's lives prior to meeting Haley revolved around their father's 1967 Impala. Other people had homes with white picket fences – Sam and Dean had a car. The Impala was the Winchesters home for twenty plus years. When John gave the Impala to his eldest son Dean after turning sixteen the car became his and Sammy's home. It was their special place. Whenever he had a bad day or felt down all he had to do was look in the backseat or beside him and find his brother. As long as Sam was there he knew all was right in the world despite everything. The thought of being safe and cozy in their home without his brother made him sick with guilt. Dean switched on the radio in his car to try and drown his guilt with music. A familiar tune shot on, a tune that engulfed Dean's heart with pain and warmth. It was Bon Jovi's Wanted Dead or Alive. This was his and Sam's song, a theme song of their lives. Dean smiled happily as he listened to the song calling him.

With a deep breath Dean's hand danced in his pants pocket, searching for something. After a good few seconds of searching he pulled out a pill bottle. Without room for hesitation Dean popped open the bottle and dumped half of the pills into his hand. He stared at the potentially lethal capsules in hand with a clear mind. This is what he felt he needed to do. Not letting himself second guess his choice he started shoving the pills into his mouth, swallowing one after one in between wheezing out sick choking sounds. His eyes began feeling heavy, his vision blurring and his grip on his Impala's wheel loosening.

"Dean! Dean!" Husky roars exploded distantly. Dean's ears twitched with the faint sound of a voice he longed to hear, a voice his heart always recognized, the sound of his brother, Sam. Sam's heavy boots smashed on the ground, knocking everything out of his way in hopes of reaching his brother.

Dean's fingers slid off the steering wheel as his eyes rolled in the back of his head and lids came down. The last thing his emerald eyes saw was a vision of his baby brother, Sam running towards him, screaming for him. The concern and screaming didn't even register on Dean's radar, the only thing that did was the love, the joy, the bliss of seeing his brother's face once more. Dean thought he had already made it to heaven before the lights went out. He felt that his brother was guiding him to a place of peace and love, to salvation, a place where they could finally rest, together.

When Dean's eyes had reopened he was graced by the sight of Sam. Sam was a tall as Dean remembered. His puppy-dog eyes, lean body and messy hair – every feature remained unchanged. Dean finally felt again, he felt wonder and perfect harmony. His first words upon waking were his brother's name, after which followed by assuming he was in Heaven. It took Sam a good five minutes before getting Dean to comprehend he was still alive, that he hadn't taken enough pills to turn the lights of permanently. Dean was more joyous then words could make clear, his heart's beats sung only for Sam. That was until reality hit him where it hurt. Dean realized his brother was back, he too was alive, but he couldn't find his way home to his beloved wife and child. He no longer deserved them, not after what he was willing to put them through simply because he was not strong enough to fight. It shamed him even pinning for them, he felt he didn't deserve to even do that now.

Sam was thankfully more than enough of a distraction to steal away Dean's tiresome self-loathing routine. It didn't take too long before Dean and his best friend, his guardian angel, Castiel, figured out that what was wrong with Sam was the simplest fact that he was no longer Sam at all. Sam had left his soul behind in Hell upon his resurrection by the demon, Crowley's hand with a helping hand from his own grandfather, Samuel Campbell. Soulless or not it stung both Sam and Dean for their own blood to sell them out. Though it was hardly the first time such an event occurred in the Winchesters lives it didn't simmer the aching in their chests down. It was always as strong as could be. After striking a deal with the Grim Reaper himself, Death, Dean had to play Death for a day and take away the lives of those who had come to the end of their road.

Dean didn't mind as much as he thought he would, he actually enjoyed himself when it came to uglier lowlifes. But like any job it got harder. Dean was ordered by an old Reaper acquaintance, Tessa, to put an end to a very ill young child. Dean refused to do so and in return a perfectly healthy female nurse's life was taken due to the natural order skip. Dean learned his lesson and took off the ring to save the husband of said nurse who passed, saving him from certain death too. The deal was broken, but Death surprised Dean by saying he'll retrieve Sam's soul from the Devil's cage. Death did exactly that, without an apparent struggle. Sam, without his soul, screamed in fear. He was afraid of himself, his own soul, of what it might do to him. Sam felt the finality of himself as Death sat before him with his soul in hand.

Death promised a barrier to shield and protect Sam from these horrors, but only if he did not go looking for the door inside his mind. Sam's cries made Dean cringe to his marrow. He was truly afraid as well. After all was said and done, Sam was Sam again. He was different, he had the burden of suffering the regret and guilt in everything his body did when no soul controlled it, but he was himself none the less. And it felt good to be home. Dean was on top of the world, he had his Sammy back. All was right in the world….mostly…

_It was my turn to decide_

_I knew this was our time_

_No one else will have me like you do_

_No one else will have me, only you_

The Impala roared down the beautiful, snow-engulfed residential street. Cars were hidden under the banks of cold white, as were the pathways. Thankfully the roads had been cleared. A random oldie song was playing happily on the radio, but there was no happiness in the air. Since welcoming his heart back Sam took note of how different his brother was. He put everything together from the time he was soulless up until now. How Dean tried to end himself, how he obviously gave up, and clearly abandoned his family. It hurt Sam to know that Dean didn't keep the promise Sam made him make. Aside from promising not to bring him back, Sam also had Dean promise to take care of their girl, Haley.

"Hey, man, you okay?" Sam asked with a clearing of his throat. He decided against easing into it – it'd been far too long and they had been through far too much to stall.

"Walkin' on sunshine, buttercup." Dean cockily replied with a bob of his head. Sam rolled with eyes and peered of his window with a sigh. Dean's eyes followed Sam curiously. "Why do you ask, Sam?"

"I don't know, it's just...Ever since I got my soul back I've noticed something different about you." Sam's eyes found a waiting Dean's, eyes that grew more intense with every passing second.

"About me? This ought to be good..." *Dean sneered* "So what is it this time, Sam? I'm broken, I'm psychotic, I'm a jerk, I'm-"

"Empty." Sam quickly threw in. Dean looked over at him; his intense eyes told Sam he had hit it spot on, but no words admitted to it. "…Like you're missing something. And I think that something has a name and a face." Sam nodded, letting it be known that Dean couldn't hid his true feelings from him of all people.

Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes not wishing to hear anymore on the subject of his feelings. Dean: "Got no idea what you're talking about, Sammy." Dean continued pretending to be ignorant of what Sam was speaking.

"It's Haley, isn't it? You miss her..." Sam finally asked. Dean sat with his hands gripping the steering wheel, silently with no verbal answer. His lack of voice spoke louder than his actual roar. Sam nodded with the unspoken words he understood. "Go talk to her." Sam suggested the simplest of things, he felt it couldn't hurt. Hearing Sam's advice, Dean shook his head vigorously. Sam sighed and smirked while looking at his brother. "Yeah, you're right. She's not nearly stupid enough to take your complicated ass back again." Sam teased. Dean looked over at Sam who didn't make it a point to hide his smirking. Dean started chuckling hearty at his brother's words, Sam joined in happily.

_You'll sit alone forever_

_If you wait for the right time_

_What are you hoping for?_

_I'm here I'm now I'm ready_

_Holding on tight_

_Don't give away the end_

_The one thing that stays mine_

"Daddy!" Jamie's voice exploded with delight as he raced through the front door and jumped into his father's arms. Dean's face was plastered with a glowing smile, one that mirrored Jamie's. Dean's arms wrapped around his son's body and embraced him tightly but with gentle care.

Haley stood stunned inside of the house just a few steps away from the open door. Her eyes widening, breath stolen and heartbeats stopped stone dead. Her eyes scanned all over the very man she thought would never be at her doorstep ever again. As out of the corner of her eye she noticed another figure she couldn't stop her eyes from traveling in the other direction. Leaning against the Impala was her believed to be deceased brother-in-law, Sam. A shuttered breath escape Haley's lips as her mind raced upon seeing the very two men whom should be corpses right now. Dean carefully unwrapped Jamie's arms from around his neck and slowly rose to his feet. His daunting jade eyes set every ounce of Haley on fire. She glowed with the sight of her boys. Though, she was more shocked than anything else. There was too much adrenaline, too much surprise for her body, brain and heart to adjust so suddenly to what their showing up means.

"Heya, Hales." Dean's strained voice broke the deafening silence. Jamie was too young to understand why his Uncle Sam looked so nervous and uncomfortable. The awkward tension was so thick in the air it was suffocating the adults.

"Hi…" Haley's delicate voice replied. Dean could hear her voice breaking, how heavy the conflicting emotions were on her breath. Her eyes held tears on them, she wasn't sure if they were relived or sad ones. She was all too confused by the pounding of her heart to take in what her heart was actually screaming to her.

"Well, well, well..." A raspy voice sounded, slicing the tension in half. "The Winchesters are finally back. It took you scoundrels long enough to come around. Dean, you know Haley's been pathetically crying for you each night." The beautiful brunette snickered. Brooke's deep voice sent an aching longing through Sam's heart. He immediately perked up upon her presence being known and attention demanded. He dearly wanted to smile but he refrained, shameful for what he had done to Brooke the last time they saw each other.

"Brooke!" Haley exclaimed, mortified.

Haley's flushing cheeks made both Brooke and Dean chuckle together. "Hey, Brooke, it's good to see you." Dean sincerely welcomed his old friend.

"You too, buddy." Brooke's deep eyes hit Dean with the same relief her saw in Haley's. Relief that him and Sam are safe. Brooke wrapped her arms around Dean's neck; Dean wrapped his around her back. Their hug was quickly broken up by Sam's clearing of his throat. "Hey, pup." Brooke took a deep breath after releasing her hold on Dean and offered Sam her greeting.

"Brooke." Sam nodded his head once with a breath. He was happy to have that out of the way. Seeing the glimmer of hurt in Brooke's eyes made it easier for him to want to stay away from her, not wishing to cause her further pain.

Haley knew the news of Sam dying, but she didn't know about him returning, and returning soulless at that. Brooke did. After searching for a little while on his resurrection Sam returned to Brooke. Brooke of course welcomed him with all her heart. She insisted on calling Haley and telling her Sam was back, Dean too, but Sam asked her not to. From that moment Brooke knew something to be wrong with Sam, so she contacted Bobby. Bobby and Brooke secretly paired up and researched everything they could think of, that is until Sam found out and flipped. Sam lashed out on both of them, more Brooke then anyone and ended things with her in a burst of hate. Brooke continued telling herself each night that it wasn't her Sammy that tore her down like that, and that is what she held on to.

"My name, that's all you have to say, really? For a boy who wanted to be a lawyer, which, by the way does involve a lot of speaking, really sucks when it comes to words." Brooke exploded with disbelief. Sam shrugged and hung his head with a sigh. He didn't want to argue, he thought it was better if she hated him. "God..." Brooke chuckled, incredulity.

"I'm here." A new voice chimed in, sending everyone jumping at the sound. Dean's lips curved into a smirk, he knew that monotone anywhere. Castiel stood tall, his head turned and eyes assessed his surroundings.

"Oh, look at that. We call for God and get a feathered nerd. Lucky us." Brooke mocked with a weave of her shoulders.

Castiel's eyes went straight to the one he was most comfortable with, his best friend, Dean. Dean's eyes were waiting for Castiel, questioning him. Castiel quickly took note of Dean's curiosity. "Sam promised me to look after Brooke, and come when she called." Castiel explained.

All eyes fell on Sam, even Jamie's. Jamie was young but he even knew Sam didn't want Brooke to know that. Sam tried his damndest to make himself scarce. Brooke's eyebrow kinked and her lips curved into a grin. "Oh, really?"

"Heh. No, no, no, n-no, not really. I-I didn't do any such thing... I'm serious, Cas, tell her..." Sam stuttered trying to find the words. Sam sheepishly looked at Castiel, beginning for him to help him out of this situation. Brooke smiled, she knew by his fumbling words that her Sammy was truly back.

"You told me to never tell her." Castiel reminded Sam of the oath he made Castiel take.

"I'm giving you permission." Sam pressed, desperately.

"Very well. When Sam was without his soul he engaged in sexual relations with a prostitute." Castiel confessed the secret Sam had made him swear to never tell. Hardly did Castiel understand that wasn't the secret Sam had meant.

"Oh my God." Sam slammed his head down on the Impala, hiding his face from everyone. Brooke's mouth dropped to the ground. Haley slammed her hands over Jamie's ears.

Dean broke out with uncontrollable laughter. "Well, I hope you didn't catch something, Sammy." Sam's eyes shot to Dean, warning him to knock it off. Dean disregarded Sam's silent warning and laughed on.

"This is awkward." Castiel nervously stated the obvious while looking at Dean who was mischievously grinning. Regardless of her sudden need to scrub her body raw, Brooke felt pieces of herself being stitched back together at the sight of her puppy squirming under the spotlight. That was her Sammy.

"Are you home for good, daddy?" Jamie asked anxiously as he took his mother's hands off of his ears. His big, innocent eyes crushed Dean's soul as he looked into them.

"Yeah, buddy." Dean's deep voice confirmed his son's hopes. Dean turned his head back to see his brother smiling, face bright red. Sam nodded in Dean's direction and Dean smiled in return. "I'm home to stay." Dean breathed as he looked back to Haley. Sam and Brooke exchanged a small moment. Sam shyly looked upon the one woman since Jessica he dared to open his wounded heart to. Brooke smiled and winked at him. That one smile and wink let Sam know that she knew he wasn't the one saying those things months earlier, and that she forgave and loved him.

As the rush of seeing her boys again died down Haley was able to work through her mixing emotions to discover that one emotion overthrew all others. She was thankful, so very thankful for both Dean and Sam to be alive and well, and home. With a burst of love penetrating through her body Haley threw herself at her husband. Dean caught Haley in his arms, her arms clung to his neck and his embraced her back and waist. "I've missed you so much. This is it, okay? This is the last time. It's you and me." Haley cried out happily.

"The last time." Dean repeated and kissed Haley passionately. Their lips intertwined and movements synchronizing. The yearning was over, the guilt laid to rest, the agony behind them. This was their time, their time at last.

_I'm here I'm now I'm ready_

_Holding on tight_

_Don't give away the end_

_The one thing that stays mine_


End file.
